COVER REVEAL!

NAS: Can a Woman Pursue a Man?

Hello, all! I was very sorry to miss last week’s Follow the Peace link-up. But then again, I was quite literally following my own personal peace by roaming the more natural parts of San Francisco solo while my host was at work. Now for this week! Go see Jen and Morgan (and married lady Stephanie!) for more opinions.

What do I think of women pursuing men? It depends. I really wish I had a more clear-cut answer myself or could speak to the experience of following some hard and fast rule. But as I have neither, I don’t feel right advising the greater world one way or the other. So here’s my take for both sides:

Let the Man Pursue:

Pro: You know he is interested in you because he is asking you out.

Pro: It is so gratifying to have him speak the words you long to hear: “Will you go out with me?”

Pro: It forces him to put in effort, and if he’s the only one who does so, he rises above the competition.

Con: If he is shy/timid at first, but at heart a great guy, waiting for him to propose a date could have you waiting for what feels like forever. Or worse, you give up, move on, break up with Mr. Second Best, and Mr. Awesome is now with someone else who might be Ms. Not-As-Awesome.

Con: His pursuit is conditional on being nearly certain you will want to be caught. If you’re not giving off signals of mutual interest, he’ll drop the hunt.

Con: It’s exhausting to always be wondering if he still needs to feel like he’s chasing you, or that if you give in to the pursuit too quickly he’ll get bored.

Con: It can be very frustrating waiting for him to come to you, and worse, wait for him to determine he’s completely caught you. In other words, he could be like a cat and toy with you, never fully committing.

(CLICK ON THAT LINK! Advice from the hunter’s mouth)

You Pursue the Man

Pro: You feel you have a sense of control, a say, a voice, an action item in the situation.

Pro: It seems logical: you want husband, you want particular type of man, you go find that man.

Pro: You may save yourself waiting time and angst if it turns out the guy was just shy.

Con: For all they may say about being “turned on” at your boldness or “cool” with you making the first moves, many men and guys, actually do NOT really like this. While they may entertain it for a little while, ultimately, they may feel emasculated, controlled, or too complacent. Or, once they’ve let themselves be grabbed, they realize they don’t like you as much as you liked them and end up performing a hatchet job of a break-up.

Con: You encourage male laziness within the relationship once he realizes you’re willing to do all the work.

Every situation and person is going to be different. That is why it is a tough call on how you want to act and react in each circumstance. Be gentle with yourself. Pursuit can look like many things to many people, and actions big and small have meanings big and small, all depending on each individual’s frame of reference. For example, would you consider sending a smiley face to a guy first as “pursuing,” (and bad) or are you like me, viewing it as a welcoming gesture, like smiling at him across the room? Right now I am in the phase where I will do the live action and online equivalent of the “Hi! Nice to meet you!” and let him take the lead. Then I definitely want the guy to suggest the next steps (what many call pursuit): going from messages to live chats to phone to live dates. But I’m also giving off subtle cues (I hope) that will assure him he will have a successful hunt without outright asking for a date. I think I may have suggested a couple of times “Wanna meet up?” and those never worked out beyond that first date (there were other reasons, too).

I wish dating didn’t have to be so fraught with complications and worries. Because I don’t believe the best relationships should depend on whether someone followed or broke hard-and-fast social rules. I pray that I can pray “Lord, if this is right, let us both know and act accordingly.” So, maybe instead of worrying about who’s doing the asking, the paying, the chasing, the game playing, we just run the race we were originally called to:

We Pursue God

What if instead of pursuing a person, we pursued the Almighty? We’re chasing after eternal happiness, look around, and see a fellow runner. Either one of us extends our hands, not mattering who did what first, and we pursue Him together.

EDITED TO ADD: After commenting on Morgan’s post, I realized something: when we say we want men to take initiative and the lead, it’s a little like they’re in the driver’s seat.  But we women are not to be passive. We’re more than some prize to be won . And the minute a guy’s pursuit “nails” us, we’re not to become some lifeless, so-to-speak, object, not contributing to the relationship. Oh no, if we learn after we’ve been caught that we just want to get away, we should. But if we want to stay, we have to be equal partners. So in my rough little car analogy, that means if we’re in the passenger seat, we can be the navigators, aiding our men as they get US where WE BOTH need to be.  🙂

Question! What Next?

Hello, readers—if you’re still coming back on non-NAS days. 🙂

Yesterday I teased that I had a date after work, which is why no pics of my family. Um, yeah, the guy canceled via text, saying he was sick. I texted back that I understood (really I do, I recently got randomly sick on a Tuesday as well!) and we could reschedule for when I returned from San Francisco.

But it’s bugging me that a few of my friends were wondering if he set a new date instantaneously. Um, no. So, here’s my question:

What do I do next? Should I text “hope you’re feeling better?” Wait for him to text me? Call him up? Wait for him to call up? Send a message through the dating site where we met?

Hhhmph.

7QTF: Hard Truths About Guys

Ladies, I went through something earlier this week that many young women have before, even though I was pridefully adamant that that was not MY situation. Pro-tip: The ugh-y ones almost always are. If you live life expecting to be disappointed, all the times you are not will be delightfully surprised. I may sound cynical, but the snarky slightly misanthropic attitude is much more mentally bearable than one of brilliant hopes that are continually dashed.

What happened, in a nutshell: Having no real discouragement, I put all my girlish hope and dream eggs in this one basket. Then the boy whom I wanted to find it (and he knew it too), picked it up, ran away, and gave it to another girl.

My editor, who is becoming more and more a Motherish mentor (solid Catholic counsel is not my own mommy’s forte), gave me some tough love (and soft love, too—she’s quite huggable). She shared with me the following hard truths about men.

*Now, you may say that Amazing Guy at Bible Study, your fiancée, your husband, whatever, is not a “guy,” thinking these things. He is more a man, and  is actually quite rare. I have met enough “guys” in and out of Church to know this applies to most males ages 26-33. Especially the ones in big cities, with lots of secular friends, and poor familial formation.

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Guys have marriage radar. And it is NOT a good thing. Rather, they can lock in immediately on a woman who hopes/desires/believes marriage to be a joyous good and will want it. Soon. And to guys, “soon” is more like 5 years, not 5 months. As soon as their radar has picked up the ring blip, they will do one of two things: 1) Go buy the diamond because they have matured and want to spend the rest of their lives with you. 2) Run.

Nearly all young men opt for action 2. Why? As my editor explained: you have answered a question they haven’t even asked or, more likely, are unsure they even want to ask in the first place.

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Guys do not know when they become men. Women can mark it on a calendar—not just physically, but figuratively. We’re oriented to be self-intuitive and reflective, so we discern the change that brought us from being just a girl to a grown woman. It’s much harder for men to have this moment of certainty. Worse, some feel as if they’re never there.  Or to go to there, they need to have A-Z accomplished, and if they fail at just one teeny tiny thing, that’s it, throw in the towel. And yelling at them to grow up and be a man just plumb will not work. Find and date men who already know they are men (this is why we’re all still single at 28.)

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Guys will run if they learn you are starting to like them more than they know they like you. It’s probably why this weekend happened, likely why I was dumped by my one and only boyfriend right before Christmas in 2011, and credibly why some dates over the years never called back. My editor’s advice was to  find a man who likes me just a little bit more than I like him (of course, you should actually like the guy a whole lot. he just needs that one more ounce). Why? Again, it’s that whole answering a question they’re not sure they want to ask. Plus, they like to win. Or, it could be that they are discombobulated by your adoration, feel unworthy of it, and honestly believe they’re doing the right thing by freeing you from their horrid selves. *rolls eyes*

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Guys do not see marriage the same way we do. (Go re-read the paragraph above #1). Women typically are the gender to see marriage as a joyous good, get really into the ToB-spirituality-beauty of it all. We especially see at as a beginning. Men see it as a duty or an end—the end of his phase of life of accomplishing career goals, the duty to the woman they love, or in some cases, the only acceptable end to a sexless-relationship. Women want the dreamboat spouse-soulmate. Men want sex and a companion to live out their days.

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Guys want to lead. Always. In everything. They will want to drive, maybe even if you’re in your car (I won’t fight this. Have you been on 93?!? And rotaries. Rotaries everywhere.). They will begrudgingly be dragged onto the dance floor by girlfriends, but if that’s not you, they want to be the one to take your hand (if they like you).  And they will want to lead in the relationship. Don’t change your Facebook status from single prematurely (I will buy you your plane ticket to come over here and slap me silly if I ever do this). Don’t bring up “us,” “wedding,” or, God help you, “children”  first or put them in the same sentence. But But But, you protest, your boyfriend won’t bring these things up and you know you want them. Here’s what you do: tell him you’d like to have a conversation in the future (not immediately) about big picture things (don’t be specific.) When you are with him in this week/month/semester’s time (they like to plan and prepare), ask “What do you see in the next three months for yourself? Year? Three years?” DO NOT say anything about what you see or try to lead him into talking about the relationship. Let him lead the discussion of his own future and mind excavation. It will be the most honest and authentic response you can get from him.

If he wants a future with you and the same future (marriage, kids), he will say so (and yay, you!). If he does not, well, I’m sorry sweetie. You might need to break up with him. When he is dumbstruck as to why (and they almost always are), then you can say it’s because you want what you want and he wants what he wants, and those versions of the future are incompatible.

Of course, this conversation is best reserved for like, 6 months in, in most cases. Definitely by a year.

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Guys don’t know what they want until they want it so bad they’ll do anything and everything to get it. It’s why women get proposed to by good Catholic men. They want you, have to have you, and will lock that s**t down because they know if they don’t, someone else will take you away from them. Remember…they have to win. And lead. And are in some weird unspoken competition with the rest of the Y-chromosomed.

But if they don’t know what they want, you can’t make them know. And don’t you dare wait around while he figures it out. Go live your life. Yes, it will be crushing when you learn that he discovered what he really wants is Not You. I am there right now, and struggling to take my own advice. Someday, we will be healed, and we have to have hope and lightness of heart that one day you will be wanted. Because the last thing any sane guy wants is a woman who is entirely cynical, bitter, or sad.

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Guys will say what they think they want you to hear and encourage physical affection, and do not think it is abominable behavior once they decide they no longer want your company. Oh, this is so unpleasant. Guys typically talk a big game, get you all excited, because hey, he’s interested! And ohmygoodness he’s holding your hand an stroking the elbow during the movie.  And he shares things with you. And then three weeks later, he no longer feels it, wants to be friends, and two weeks after THAT, is with a new girl and touching her, but not sharing things, because hey, she’s not a deep, close friend.

Be very very careful when a guy seems to be intentional and touchy feely rather quickly. If he ends things, do not be his close personal confidant friend. What he is doing is segmenting his life: the deep stuff with one girl and the fun stuff with the other. A true man will see the value of having both in the same woman: you.

Now if you can stomach mommy and wive thoughts, go to Jen and the gang. 😛

NAS: Challenge Accepted!

Please join Morgan and Jen for more goal-making!

Oooh…a challenge! Wait…was I supposed to have one at the beginning of the summer and check in now or…is it taking insights from this series and giving myself a challenge?

Ok, so… you think you are called to marriage? What have you done to help with that? Go to a young adults activity! Sign up for CatholicMatch.com! Something that allows you to take an active step towards meeting your hubby. Praying is important, but God isn’t just going to plop him in our laps for us, we have to do our part, too!

Or, feel the religious life is your thing? What about reaching out to a community you’re interested in? Go on a retreat with them!  Have coffee with a sister from another community! Same goes for you ladies… pray, yes. But, it’s important to be active in your search for God’s will.

SO… on 8/13 tell us what you did! How’d it go? Did that help motivate you to do more?

Oops.

Well, I did sign up for CatholicMatch, but not with any real goal in mind. There was a discount. 😛 So far that’s actually gone really well, considering. Their new “Match Portrait” better links you to men who seem to have the same values and goals (after taking a 100-question quiz that seems like a pre-Cana inventory!). So there a couple I’m messaging right now…I’ll let you know what happens!

As for challenges to do in the coming weeks, well then, I have a BUNCH!

– Join more groups. And not because they happen to have been the Boyfriend Store for so many acquaintances. No, I should join them because I’ve been craving authentic Christian fellowship. You know how when your body has been missing its regular dose of a nutrient and suddenly all you want more than anything in the world are baby carrots? Yeah. My soul has been missing out spiritual nourishment, so now all I can think about is how to get involved in a community. It’s going to be a big, brave step for me. I left communities last year because an unhealthy friendship finally ended and I didn’t feel up to moving in that realm and risk the calm and wholeness I spent a long time regaining. But I’m going to do it: the first Tuesday of the month (last week, but didn’t make it as I was horribly ill) is a new Bible study at my parish, and on the third Wednesday of the month there will be a ladies-only Bible study (any state of life).

– Figure out my current guy issue. For the past two and a half years I’ve been in really hard-to-define emotional/mental places regarding a particular person. Earlier this year I finally thought we’d mutually reached the same place and got my hopes up. At present, the hopes are fading fast. The challenge to myself is to figure out what to do and to be more decisive than I have been in the past. I don’t know what this will look like…maybe a phone conversation…or when it will happen…maybe a one-on-one when I visit person’s city in the Fall. But I will do it. No more relational back-burners.

– Lean in—to the faith. I think most of my emotional turmoil and angst arises when I am not pursuing my relationship with God…or not answering when it’s quite obvious He’s pursuing me. I’ve got many more books on my to-read list. My challenge is to actually pick one up and read it diligently instead of HGTV marathons with Roomie. And to try to pray the Rosary more. I have experienced firsthand the graces of novenas, and yet this summer I failed. Multiple times. And I even got to thinking my failure was responsible for something not going the way a friend and I wanted. But this blog post (link to Stephanie) shifted my perspective: “Prayer doesn’t’ change things. it changes us.” How much more peaceful my summer could have been! Ah well.

I think three is a nice number of goals—each Person of the Trinity can help me out with one a piece. What are your goals?

 

 

NAS: Envy and Singlehood

Please join Jen, Morgan, and the rest for more insights!

This week’s topic of envy comes at just the right time for me. Sunday night, at a time when I should have been readying for bed and the early wake-up to drive into work, I instead wandered onto my Facebook feed. An acquaintance of mine posted about how [Conspicuously Male Name] made her dinner, did the washing up, watched Gilmore Girls with her, and even prepared her snacks for the week. My thoughts were 1) When did she get a boyfriend? 2) Who is this guy? 3) Do I really want to know that she met him through one of the groups—the groups I left (for good reasons) and maybe should join up again because it appears to be the boyfriendàfianceàhusband store?

Upon clicking through her friend list (I am that person—admit it, you can be one of them too sometimes), I didn’t find him, but I found a friend of hers who I learned was recently married…and she and her new husband were in one of the most romantic wedding pictures I’d ever seen. Upon seeing that and this feeling creeping up.  I blasted Fort Atlantic videos on Youtube until it was time for bed.

Don’t get me wrong—I am THRILLED for Catholic marriages and THRILLED that some lovely women are meeting amazing men. But why not me too?

I think envy is one of the hardest sins to overcome. It is so naturally…human to want things for yourself and be disappointed when you don’t get them—especially when you’re dependent on another person (the potential boyfriend) to provide them. And let’s be honest with each other, it’s also human to think it is HARD and FRUSTRATING and SAD to just watch as others are blessed when we feel we are not. So our thoughts turn inwards and go to scary places…maybe to the point that we feel unworthy or that there’s something wrong with us or that we’ve made the wrong choices (even though they were right at the time). Contributing to this angst are some well-meaning advice givers who counsel us to focus on ourselves, because somehow that’s the humble or charitable thing to do…I have no idea why. Lovely, faithful women who are great friends and are upset that they are single do not need to add anxiety that they need to fix themselves to be dateable. Uh uh.

Because the absolute worst part about envy is when people presume these feelings don’t come from a place of genuine hurt but somehow malice, so they refuse to sit with you in your pain, or even acknowledge it. But I like to be different. I’ll do it. You’re right, honey. It isn’t fair. There is nothing wrong with you, and there must have been something wrong with the guys at the groups who never saw what you see in yourself most of the time. You are worthy of a sweet, tender guy who dotes on you. You’ve made the right choices, and it’s the men in your life who’ve disappointed you who have made the wrong ones. And you know what, you’re not horrible for being envious. It just means you’re human, a daughter of Eve. If you are envious of good things like marriage and babies, then all that that means is your heart is in the right place, but your head is not, and just needs to catch up.

To try to overcome the ugly parts of envy (snarky comments or despair), I try to draw upon my resources or find comforting, affirming music. I try try try to pray for the grace to accept that everything is in God’s time. If on the rare occasion my envy was made public (very, very rare), I make social amends. But during those times it’s private, I find a way to rejoice in those couples’ happiness.

Here’s some other tips I’ve found helpful—at least for me:

– Refusing to add an un-wedding.me or un-baby.me (thought I don’t think the former exists) thing to my Facebook. Yes, it’s hard to see four engagement announcements posted in just one month, or annoying to click through three wedding albums from the same weekend (this past Fourth of July). But, like a vaccine, exposure to the dormant form of the “disease” may inoculate you to it..or at least make it less severe.

– Refusing to go onto Facebook all together. Yes, I also support this, especially if there are really painful circumstances that would make you just absolutely lose it if you saw someone’s relational happiness all over your feed.

–  Treat yo’self to the things you want and can have. Especially those things you goofily fear will make people judge you. Savoring a fine whiskey. Yelling at the ref at a football game (Apparently I know too many traditional men who I fear are horrified by this “unladylike” spirit.). A pretty new dress. Pajama night with pedicures with the roomie. That way, when you get an attack of the envies, you can draw upon these sweet memories.

– Remind yourself that just a week, day, hour, hell—minute ago—you were quite content with your life and had no real complaints (this was me Sunday).

– Try to own the idea that right now you are being who God calls you to be, and those women—from close friends and family to strangers on public transit—are simply doing the same thing. If you look at like you’re both on the same plane, just making different connections in Atlanta, then it will start to feel silly to be envious of the other passenger. You’re both going somewhere; it’s just that your destination is a surprise. And if there’s a longer layover for you, well, at least there are snacks.

NAS: Resources

Hello, ladies! Jen and Morgan weren’t the only ones who posted late. In my defense, I did just move, entertain my parents, and of all things, started driving again after a 6-year absence. Any recommendations for audio books? Boston radio is not so great…

Anyway! This week, we are discussing resources! In the tradition of the “Five Faves” link-up (and also because I have to clock in in 20 minutes) and “What We’re Reading Wednesday” posts, here are my 5 favorite resources for being a Catholic lady:

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Auntie Seraphic @ Seraphic Singles: She’s a married woman who spent her 20s and 30s searching and eventually finding both serenity and a husband. I love her no-nonsense advice. i even wrote in to her under an alias, and she replied! Even though she didn’t post my question! I admit it was hard for me to accept that her recommendation was the correct thing to do, but it really, really was.

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Her real name is Dorothy Cummings, and she wrote this book:

Clicking on the cover will take you to Liguori’s web site, where you can buy it. (Any chance you can, please buy direct from Catholic publishers.) If I could only recommend one book to single Catholic women, it is this one. Rather than imparting some catechesis, ToB, and “personal growth” style messages wrapped in frilly pink ribbon design elements and illustrated flowers (Seriously? I am not 12), Dorothy gives single women heartwarming and hilarious short essays about her experiences as a Catholic woman in the big city, each with a tasty morsel of truth or takeaway message. I felt most affirmed by this book, which really does help me to be seraphic about this whole single-life thing. Sometimes, anyway.  🙂

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The Ortho Gals: We’re not alone! Auntie Seraphic introduced her readers to these young women of the Orthodox tradition, who write with wit, grace, and beauty, about their experiences in the current dating world. At times thought-provoking and others laugh-inducing (they are great Gchat conversationalists), their site delves into what it means to be a woman of faith seeking another soul to share one’s life with.

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This book by Pat Gohn (who also does the Among Women podcast–I haven’t listened enough to heartily endorse it, especially for single women), is my absolute favorite of the “Catholic Lady Book” genre. Oh, there are other good ones, which I am sure most of you have blogged about, but this newest one stands out because of how affirming it is. I felt enriched after reading it. Rather than trying to encompass every type of Catholic woman’s experience of which I could only draw a little from, every type of Catholic woman can draw everything from this book. Pat writes in three main sections how we are each created by God as blessed, beautiful, and bodacious. I particularly like this resource because it isn’t solely about my state of life (single), what I’m doing wrong or could be doing wrong (men need this too, but they don’t buy books), or stuff I already know about ToB.

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And finally, my favorite resource is: you! Friends in life, friends in the internet, friends in the family. I’m blessed to know some lovely, diverse people from all walks of life in different states of life (and different genders...), who each have a valuable perspective and authentic love for me (and of course I for them!). It’s like that U2 song lyric: “You don’t have to go it alone!” So, thank you ladies, for helping us not be alone. 🙂

7QTF: Love and Responsibility Edition

 

Announcement! After an amazing writing conference last weekend and growth in the feeling-more-brave department, I have decided to link two of my identities! Blogger-me is the same person as Writer-me, who is the same person as Worker-Me (but she is remaining anonymous in the grand tradition of others in her field). So…the Proverbial Girlfriend is none other than Britt Leigh, a soon-to-be debut author!

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This is my website: brittleighbooks.com. I blog about books and writing and reading. Authentic love is one of the major themes I explore with my fiction. Be sure to check out the blogroll link to kidsfaithgarden.com

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This is my book:

Click me for the Amazon listing! It doesn’t release until January, but I will let you know when pre-orders are possible.

A teaser: Love is patient. Gloria Jean is not. Love is kind. Celiac is not. Love never fails. Faith might.”

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Worker-me got to spend several hours reading about Love and Responsibility. You know how some people are cheerleaders for ToB? That is me and L&R. I am so in love with this philosophy, I want to name future children Karol and John Paul.

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So now Writer-me wants to make the themes in L&R accessible to middle-schoolers. A chastity educator friend of mine has bemoaned that after several presentations, she thinks we’re too late. But I refuse to leave them out in the darkness where there is wailing and gnashing of teeth! So if you all have any ideas on what type/format of book 13-16 year-olds would pick up about the subject, please let me know!

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I am firmly convinced that such national news stories as the women in Cleveland (and by extension all abductions) and the Air Force’s S*xual Assault Prevention and Response Office CHIEF being accused of s*xual battery (I mean, COME ON!) would never happen if people were formed in the principles of L&R (namely, the dignity of the human person, justice to the creator, chastity…)

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My most favorite blogger, a former Serpahic Single, wrote about chastity talks, and after reading what she and the commenters have to say…I agree. I do not ❤ chastity talks if they are indeed performed as described. There’s gotta be a better way.

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That being said…chastity talks and study of L&R…are winning out. Moms, this is really important. As uncomfortable as your kids might get, continue to form them in these ideals. For one day they will be 28ish and ever so thankful (no matter how painful/frustrating/exasperating it feels) that the charity definition of love is clouding their judgement, and not the eros. Tell them to find people who know to guard their hearts at exactly the times they themselves don’t want to. Hopefully they’ll see that the most responsible actions and words are the most loving.

 

What We’re Reading Wednesday: Would You Date You?

Would You Date You? By Anthony Buono (Servant Books, July 2012). With very many thanks to Sarah Reinhard, who sent this copy gratis as a prize in a raffle on her blog, snoringscholar.com. GREAT site for ProverbialMoms.

Having read my fair share of the “single Catholic lady” genre, I initially was excited to engage with WYDY. The cover is bold; the title provocative. Throughout the ten chapters, he is mostly careful to not skew to a male or female bias; or play the blame game. However, I do not feel it is one of those books that can be adequately reviewed in a paragraph or two. Sometimes books are capable of receiving a summary judgment. However, it does many more justice to look at each part of the whole, and that is what I have done for this book. The best summation I can come up with is that Mr. Buono says many wonderful, important things, but also some other things that should be taken with a grain of salt.

At the Start

Before reading this book, some readers may have to set aside pre-existing notions of who this book is for and what it is doing. For example, with asking one’s self the title, one might privately answer “Of course! Wouldn’t to say otherwise presume some kind of self-esteem issue?” But the charming Foreword by Lino Rulli and the Preface by Mr. Buono suggest that this book isn’t necessarily for Nice Catholic singletons who go on perfectly pleasant dates with other Nice Catholic singletons and are still stymied as to why a relationship won’t progress beyond one date, three months, or even three years. Rather,  this line: “What we need is to set aside enough time to improve ourselves so that there is no time to criticize the person you’re dating or married to,” (xv) suggests that this book is for those who know or at the very least suspect that there’s something flawed in their own behavior, especially when relating to members of the opposite sex. There are two dangerous implications with that quoted statement: 1) we develop such an egotistical scrupulosity that we don’t see the very real times our significant others need charitable correction or running away from (emotional manipulation, stealing, abuse, etc.).  2) Perhaps by improving ourselves to be worthy of the love we think we deserve (the greatest), the people we’re dating or are married to are also transformed into similarly quality people. 

Additionally, though readers may want to bring to the text their own experiences, some of Mr. Buono’s pronouncements are stated without much context, conditions, or exceptions that would address situations that often arise in real-life dating situations. So it falls to the readers to rely on their own prudence when certain beliefs or encouragements cannot be safely practiced or effectively executed in their own relationships. He does state at the very end of Chapter 10 a few words on how abusive relationships are different, but this is information he should’ve provided up front.

You will at first get the sense that Mr. Buono’s point of the book is that when analyzing the failure of relationships, we shouldn’t focus on questioning our date’s/spouse’s motivations (Preface). His primary goal is for us is to perform a sort of relationship Examen. Where the Preface fails is in not anticipating the readers’ “but, but!” statements and addressing them. Sometimes relationship failure really is a result of a problem with the other person and not our own behavior. To answer the questions Mr. Buono implies we foolishly ask of the other:  Sometimes “he doesn’t call” because he’s a cad or realized he doesn’t want a serious relationship, or at least not with you, despite how lovely you are. Sometimes “women won’t tell you why we’re upset” because sometimes we just want you to display some emotional intelligence and figure it out with the amazing brain God gave you, or telling you would break the emotional chastity rules we’ve set up for ourselves. Sometimes “men are picky” because they can afford to be, because for every one guy at a Theology on Tap, there is a table full of women to choose from. And sometimes when “women play games,” it’s because we live in a broken world and have been taught this is the way to manage relationships.

If readers have told their inner voices to pipe down, they will get to read about ten virtues that Mr. Buono says we need to develop within ourselves, and consequently improve our relationships with others: heavenly, humble, prayerful, pure, charitable, merciful, detached, self-aware, flexible, and practical. Where I take most issue is the whole conceit using the imperative verb “become.” In the Preface, Mr. Buono writes “We must all seek to transform ourselves into persons capable of loving and being loved,” (xvii). Here’s the thing, if you are a person, you already are capable of loving and being loved. God made you that way from the beginning (Catechism of the Catholic Church 27). Rather than transforming ourselves, we are called to continue being ourselves. Again, Mr. Buono doesn’t address readers’ valid protestations: “But I do practice humility.” “It was my date who acted impurely, not me!” “I have been single so long and spend so much time in adoration, I don’t think I could be any more self-aware.”  After engaging with each chapter, I would advocate for a different reading: instead of thinking you don’t already have these virtues, actually use the text as a tool for self-reflection:  “How was I heavenly today? Was there anything about that date that showed I wasn’t as flexible as I could be?”

Chapter 1: Become Heavenly – We begin with some heady theology about considering heaven first. Okay, marriage is a vocation, and a vocation is that by which we seek to attain heaven. Where Mr. Buono may lose people is his section on what it means to be a person. He writes: “Becoming a whole person is a process,” (3) which leads to such questionable sentences as: “Yet a seven-year-old is not fully a person” (3) and “To be a bad person is to be less of a person.” (4) He draws these conclusions from his definition of full personhood as “being in perfect harmony with God’s plan for us.”  So one could conclude that no one is really a full person because none of us are in perfect harmony with God’s plan – a lot of us don’t even know what it is! Further, the ethicist Germain Griesz has this has this to say about personhood in The Way of the Lord Jesus: Living a Christian Life, Vol. 2: “Personhood is not an attribute attained by development,” (bold in original; 489). In the larger scheme of this book, some of these sentences are mere trees in the forest. However, with the legal acceptance of destruction of human life (abortion to Physician-Assisted Suicide), it is imperative that definitions of personhood give anyone cause to think it is devalued.

Next in this chapter, Mr. Buono spends two pages discussing how the other shapes people’s personhood as they grow up. Of course other peoples’ influence is an important factor to consider in your adult relationship! I don’t know why he’s undermining his own argument that we need to focus on the self. However, I wouldn’t mind if he spent a couple sentences addressing the very common reality of how mental illness, stress, abuse, etc. from the self and from the other impact relationships.

Later on, another problematic line: “Working on yourself is continuous if you seek to be of value to someone else,” (4). You are a human being, ergo you always have inherent value to other human beings. What Mr. Buono neglects to realize is that poor self-esteem is a large inhibitor of healthy relationships and a condition for many singletons. Reading a line like that is far from affirmational. The only helpful thing about this chapter was the notion that to become “heavenly,” we should first seek to imitate the person of Jesus Christ and to see Him in every other person we meet and to love them with His love. It would have been a much more effective chapter if the material was presented as practical or more of the “reality check” promised in the Preface.

Chapter 2: Become Humble – Mr. Buono defines humility as truth. If you go with that, then the first part of the chapter makes sense. Essentially Mr. Buono advocates for us to look for people who are authentic (that’s the word he really means to use). However, the Catholic Encyclopedia defines humility first and foremost as a “quality by which a person considering his own defects has a lowly opinion of himself and willingly submits himself to God and to others for God’s sake.” Humility is a GREAT virtue to have when dating, but is contextualized in this chapter as a form of co-dependence. Where I thought this chapter faltered was the lack of practical ways to recognizing issues the author brings up like “Do I live authentically? How do I think I am humble (according to the primary definition we all know)? Am I being a Pharisee?” He also should have provided more context for statements like “At this point it is critical to begin asking yourself some honest questions: ‘Did I do something to contribute to this?,’” (21). When your beloved is sullen because you unnecessarily yelled at him? Yes, you probably did. When your beloved hits/verbally abuses/starts using pornography? A resounding NO, you did not. If humility is truth, then it can be true to not assume such fault.

Chapter 3: Become Prayerful – A WONDERFUL chapter. It focuses on the reader of the book who wants his or her “reality check.” It offers practical advice and steps with just the right amount of correct theology! Particularly humbling were the paragraphs on the natural emotion of frustration. Lord knows we singletons have been there at some point – the Facebook announcements of other people’s engagements or the summer of seven baby showers for women who not two years ago were fellow singletons with you. It was particularly encouraging to read “God will not be outdone in generosity.”

Chapter 4: Become Pure – I LOVE the introduction to this chapter. Mr. Buono really evokes the primary essence of purity – not a list of dos and don’ts of sexual chastity, but the wonderment at the notion that living purely allows us to see God. However, I was disappointed by the focus on women’s dress in the discussion of modesty. Do physically fit men really not know what they do to us women when they go running or play volleyball on the beach shirtless? I shall give you a hint: it’s the same effect as low-cut tops or high skirts. Also, if men are visual creatures and clothing is the biggest problem, then as emotional creatures, women’s biggest problem is men’s emotional immodesty. Oh how I wish this was addressed so men could get their “reality check.” Another answer to that question we shouldn’t focus on – “why is she so upset?”: it’s because you confided in us and we thought that was a sign you liked us liked us. But you then went and courted our bible study partner. I do really appreciate the section on kissing: frank, informative, and non-judgmental. BEST theological pronouncement so far: “At the heart of virginity is the right to express our sexuality,” (49). 

Chapter 5: Become Charitable – Now see, this introduction is how to be affirmational! Another great chapter on the whole. To be charitable is to be a peacemaker. And I love that he referenced the Holy Family (who also could be looked upon as models to be pure). What is so great is that sometimes there can be a misappropriation of charity or a wrong interpretation of what it means (staying with an abusive partner out of charity; offering “death with ‘dignity’” as charity to the suffering), and Mr. Buono points out the correct definitions and emphasizes how true charity involves order and health in the relationship.

Chapter 6: Become Merciful – Much of this chapter is sensible: being merciful means helping the other feel safe to express themselves as they are, be who they are, without fear of reprisal or lashing out. However, mercy and forgiveness are qualities that need distinction and context when put in terms of dating life. For when you read “We are quick to dismiss someone for their flaws, their past, or other ways we determine them to be damaged because we see these things as a potential threat to having a hurt-free marriage,” (65), you get the sense we shouldn’t do these things, even though it might be prudent to do so. Perhaps it is the quickness with which we do this that bothers Mr. Buono, but he does not indicate that. No, there is more unpacking his concept of creating a “home” to make your beloved feel safe when they inevitably mess up. But what if the “messing up” really does cause harm to a relationship/marriage and makes you feel less safe? More distinctions need to be made, because what if the date’s flaw is porn, a drug addiction, or those rage issues that occasionally flare up? Also at issue is the sense one gets that Mr. Buono would prefer we always be forgiving and not cut a person out of our lives. He acknowledges that this is a step people can and do take, and is merciful enough not to judge us too much if we have cut people out. But I think enough people have been the victims of psychological or physical harm who are on the whole healthier persons with the offenders out of their lives. Perhaps Mr. Buono could have extended this chapter to explore how mercy is different according to situations. In the case of de-friending someone, mercy is prayers for the person (from far away) and never slandering the individual to others. This would have been a stronger chapter, like #5, if Mr. Buono could have illuminated how mercy, charity, and trust are interdependent on one another. Yes, we should “make the one[s] [we] love feel safe,” (76) through mercy and forgiveness, but really to create spaces of physical, emotional, and spiritual safety is to FIRST do no harm.

Chapter 7: Become Detached –  This chapter is not entirely about detachment from worldly things (money, things, fame, etc.), but about detachment from people. Here we have concrete “reality check” questions about the importance we bestow on our relationships with others and with God. A thought-provoking gem: When was the last time you cried and what was it about? Now, when was the last time you cried in confession? (cf 79). This chapter even includes “warning signs.” Reading about those make me wish certain other chapters had the same format. I also liked the clear connection to idolizing earthly things to problems in a real relationship situation. Finally, but most importantly, Mr. Buono forces us to begrudgingly confront our natural inclination to do our own will. Thankfully, he offers realistic ways of detaching from this mindset.

Chapter 8: Become Self-Aware – If you’ve ever looked at a pre-Cana program or pre-marital inventory, you will recall that it likely had some questions or statements about your upbringing, character, personality, past, and problems. This chapter is a basic pre-cursor to that self-reflection. Mr. Buono illustrates how much more self-awareness is than knowing who you are and what you want. It is more about how you are and why and how that affects relationships. What I object to is the use of the word “damaged.” On p. 93, he rightfully advocates for seeking therapy for addressing serious issues, but calls you “damaged.” I don’t think any therapist would call a client “damaged” to his or her face. I would also advise single readers that many times the past should stay in the past (ie no hang-ups on exes), in some instances in our sexualized world, if you think you want to marry someone, you do need to bring up the past and are both honest about any previous experiences so y’all can get tested and, in some cases, vaccinated (men are the carriers of HPV, ad currently have no signs nor any way to test themselves). Today’s reality is that virgin men and women may more than likely marry a non-virgin, and past will be important: instances of diseases, other children, or abortions will definitely affect marriage.

Chapter 9: Become Flexible –  Second most awesome thing Mr. Buono says: the best way to really get to know someone’s authentic self? Road trip. I have long felt that when done at an appropriate stage in the relationship that such an excursion – like flying out of a snowy city on the day before Thanksgiving – really gives you a feel for how you both are at your base level. So this chapter is more about how on certain levels, people and relationships can and will change. Sometimes being flexible means adjusting to the reality that even if you hoped your beloved would change, he or she likely won’t. But where Mr. Buono and I differ is on the issue of what happens when the other doesn’t change. While he states that “If you cannot handle who that person is, that does not necessarily mean they are not the right person…consider you need to change for the better,” (emphasis mine, 104). But if you know you can’t accept a man who will never come around from atheism, or you know that you can’t handle that a woman is always a shrieking harpy, you should be allowed to remain unchanged and have limitations with how your faith and dignity will be treated in a marriage. Mr. Buono wins me back a little with his advice about compatibility. I like how he dissected the word to show that it truly means more than just getting along because you like the same genre of movies, music, and food. By this point we should just presume that when he says there are times we feel a person is “unbearable” (111), he means they want you to watch boring television shows or are gratingly hormonal, and we should patiently endure our spouse’s human moments. But if you, dear reader, see the word “unbearable” and think about that guy who hit you, no, you never have to patiently endure that.  Also in this chapter, he advocates that we have a sense of humor. This section has yet another spurious statement: “It must make God chuckle whenever He comes across one of His children who is pitching a fit about a situation He has allowed for the good of that child, but who feels he or she does not deserve it,” (107). What about when we pitch fits about things that are allowed that do not have any discernible good and that no one deserves: abusive spouses, cancer from secondhand smoke, rape? I don’t think God is chuckling that one of His sons or daughters hurt another of his children in these ways.

Chapter 10: Become Practical –   Mr. Buono saved the toughest school of thought for last. He argues that we should be practical in our approach to dating and marriage. Romantic love/desire/butterflies/swooning are all mere bonus points to have when marrying someone…and in some cases, potential results some time into the marriage…and in other cases, not truly necessary. His thesis is that being practical is both spouses feeling the same about committing to living out a sacramental marriage because each one finds the other a quality person. For those who read that book Marry Him! The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, you’ll find a similar philosophy in this chapter. Yes, to love as Christians understand the word, is to choose to love, and Mr. Buono is correct in surmising that marriage is a lifelong period of continuously choosing to love your spouse and your spouse doing likewise. It is true that when dating we may not think of practicalities, and it is good of Mr. Buono to help us deepen our discernment process in this regard. However, it seems really dispiriting to think we should give up on having eros (passionate, romantic love) in our lives when practically speaking, all that’s required for marriage is agape/caritas (love that is willing the good of the other). The pope’s own homilist delivered a homily in which he says you cannot have eros without agape and you cannot have agape without eros.

 Chapter 11: A Meditation on the Crucifix for Singles–In this final chapter, Mr. Buono provides an examination of conscience specifically for singles, based on the crucix–that image of the height of love. He urges us to reflect on the negative choices we  might make with our thoughts, our hands, feet, flesh, hearts, arms, speech, eyes, and self.  Many of the questions are quite excellent and thought provoking. I only object to his calling “yes” answers to such questions as “sins.” For example, “procrastinating going to places…that offer me a chance to meet a quality person”…is not objectively an immoral action, and “indifference to nudity” needs to qualified, for, one should be indifferent to certain forms…like in art. Oh, and I shouldn’t get started on how one should “remain silent and accept annoying things on a date”…And your thoughts: why is overindulging in the news sinful? What if it’s Catholic news?